Sunday I took both kids to church alone and as I clambered into the sanctuary late with a fussing baby and wound up toddler, I wondered if I was awesome or crazy.
I sat in the warm atmosphere and nursed Lizzy while I followed Luke with my eyes and relied on the kindness of strangers to be patient with me. Corunna United Church is very welcoming to young families and I don't ever really feel like I am an inconvenience but I still want my children to behave well.
Last week I was thinking so much about how having children changes you no matter how much you resist it, your still you but different. I didn't want to be different.
When I was pregnant with Luke I resisted the thought that I would become any of the motherhood cliches that I had heard. I had no interest in changing anything about myself. I thought I would be different, exempt from the realities of motherhood.
I was not exempt from the marks my children will and are leaving on my body mind and soul and after experiencing motherhood, I am eternally grateful for the transformations. This being said, I still want to feel like just me once in awhile. Last week I also had my first outing without any children in 7 weeks and the next day I was so refreshed, energized, and excited to spend time with my children. Balance requires effort but being me, makes me a better mother too. The night after my time out of the house, I popped Lizzy in the stroller and went for a jog. I was slow and my run was short but as I breathed in the winter air, I gained even more of myself back. Slowly I am beginning to feel more and more like myself. I will never be exactly who I was before children but I will always make time to spend with myself, connecting with the person I have become, accepting the transformations that are to come and allowing myself to just be me.