Recently, I quite abruptly moved back to Sarnia, my hometown from Toronto, it was a confusing move, one I wasn't sure if I was making the right choice or if I was making a terrible decision. I found myself, day in and day out, doing the same thing over and over again and not really doing what I wanted to be doing. Dance. Having time was an issue, expenses was an issue, I can make excuse after excuse, but my head just wasn't in it. It was a hard thing for me to wrap my head around, something that I didn't want to except, that dance wasn't the first thing on my mind for once in my life. It hurt, I felt like a failure and that slowly I was loosing a part of me. Its a feeling that only an artist their self could understand. I didn't want to give up, so part of myself was making up stories in my head that I was still pursuing it, when sure enough I was at a stand still in my dream to become a dancer.
A few months went by of this feeling and I came to realization that this was a pattern that I could sink into, a lifestyle that I truely didn't want to be a part of, so I made a change. One of the hardest changes I've encountered in my life thus far. Moved home. I told myself that was something I would never do, once I was out I was out and to become an adult. Well that my friend, is easier said then done. I went through battles day to day up until the time I packed everything into my sisters car to the time I decided what I wanted to do next. Struggles of trying to figure out what the next step in my life would be, and how it would alter my future. Nights in the studio trying to regain my spark and see if it would come to me. I now knew by this point I wanted to travel, I have thought about traveling every since I left highschool, I never pursued it because I didn't want to step away from dance, but I felt like this was my chance to take on another adventure that I've always wanted.
My friend Mariah had been up in Jasper, Alberta for the summer working and by the looks and sounds of it had been having a great time and making some money. After looking into to an au pair in Ireland and Australia, I decided to take a chance, and apply for the job in Jasper. After a few days, I was at the studio with my dance teacher and I got a phone call, I stepped out of the room and came back in minutes later and said "well, I'm going to jasper"." And that was it, I was going to Jasper in two weeks.
On September 3rd, my mom sent me off on an air plane too Jasper, 12 hours later, I found myself there and so homesick. I couldn't shake the feeling, I missed my family and friends so much, I just wanted to go home. But I stuck it out a couple more days and before I knew it I was having the time of my life - meeting all these amazing people and hopefully some life long friends.
Although I was enjoying myself something was missing, dance. Something was missing once again in my life, like there can't be a happy medium. I started working out more, hoping that would fill the void, but it didn't. Its a part of me and always will be. I am a dancer and although I might not be doing it at this moment, its who I am. And I will never ever give that up.
What I have concluded from all this is that I have two dreams, and I need to search for the right place for me to pursue and conquer both. I will do that, it may take some time, which is hard for me to understand because I always want everything to happen fast. I have learnt to let go of that and I truely do believe everything happens for a reason. whatever is ment to be will be, with good judgment of course.
Being an artist is who I am, and who I will always be. I'm just dancing my way around the world first.